CKCollateralized KaijuMutual Assurance & Indemnity

Form CK-1 · Rev. 25

Schedule of Conditions

Payment of the Benefit requires that all of the following conditions be satisfied. Sections are cross-referenced. Cross-references are binding.

Part A. Definitions

D1
“Kaiju” means a single, living, non-human organism exceeding fifty (50) meters in height that, in the reasonable opinion of the Company, resembles a kaiju depicted in a motion picture, but which is not, in the same opinion, any kaiju depicted in a motion picture (see Section 15). The term excludes: persons in suits; lizards photographed at flattering angles; "large dogs"; and any entity described as "kaiju-adjacent" by a journalist.
D2
“Attack” means a deliberate, sustained, and hostile act directed at the Insured Property specifically. Incidental stepping, wading, looming, or roaring in the general direction of the Insured Property constitutes "Transit" and is not an Attack. An act ceases to be an Attack at the moment the Company determines that it has ceased to be one.
D3
“Tuesday” means the twenty-four (24) hour period commencing at midnight, local time, on the day designated Tuesday by the Gregorian calendar, as confirmed by two (2) calendars, at least one of which must be printed and neither of which may have been issued by a dental practice.
D4
“Witnessed” means observed directly, with the unaided eye, while sober, without blinking for any continuous period exceeding four (4) seconds, and without the assistance of binoculars, telescopes, periscopes, or a friend who says "look at that."
D5
“Hat” means a rigid or semi-rigid head covering possessing a brim of not less than 2.5 centimeters. A hood, wig, helmet, towel, fascinator, or hand held in place atop the head is not a Hat. A baseball cap is a Hat only if worn forwards.
D6
“Insured Property” means the property described on the Certificate of Insurance. Where no property is described, the Insured Property is deemed to be the Insured's Hat (see Section 6). Where the property is described ambiguously, the description shall be deemed ambiguous (see Section 13).
D7
“Affected Zone” means the area, as drawn by the Company after the Attack, containing the Company's headquarters, the Insured Property, and no one who could be called as a disinterested witness.
D8
“Company” means Collateralized Kaiju Mutual Assurance & Indemnity, a company whose existence, domicile, and capitalization are matters of record and shall remain so.

Part B. Conditions of Payment

  1. 1. Classification of the Attacking Entity

    The attacking entity must be a bona fide Kaiju (see Definition D1), certified as Class 4 or higher by at least two (2) independent kaiju classification bodies, neither of which may be a government.

    1. (a)A classification body is "independent" only if it has never been funded, consulted, or thanked by any other classification body.
    2. (b)Certification must be issued prior to the Attack. Certifications issued during the Attack are void as having been issued under duress.
    3. (c)As of the Effective Date, the number of kaiju classification bodies meeting the requirements of this Section 1 is zero (0). The Company regards this as a matter for the Insured.

  2. 2. Point of Emergence

    The Kaiju must emerge from a body of water at least two hundred (200) nautical miles from the nearest shipping lane.

    1. (a)"Body of water" excludes puddles, pools, ponds, fountains, water features at golf courses, and any water that has been described as "just a little damp."
    2. (b)The Kaiju must emerge once only. Re-emergence, submergence followed by re-emergence, or "popping back up to check" constitutes a Second Emergence and voids this coverage in its entirety.

  3. 3. Notarial Witnessing

    The Attack must be Witnessed by no fewer than three (3) licensed notaries, each of whom must be standing at least four hundred (400) meters from the Insured Property.

    1. (a)No notary may be related to, employed by, or have ever notarized a document for the Insured.
    2. (b)Each notary must hold a current commission in the jurisdiction in which the Attack occurs, and must have it on their person. The commission may not be laminated.
    3. (c)Each notary must affix a seal to a statement of the Attack. Notaries who have fled are deemed to have declined to affix a seal.
    4. (d)Where fewer than three (3) notaries are Witnesses by reason of the Attack, the Attack shall be deemed not to have been Witnessed, and therefore not to have occurred.

  4. 4. Direct Damage Only

    Damage must be caused directly by the Kaiju's body, and not by any secondary effects.

    1. (a)"Directly" means by physical contact with the Kaiju's body, excluding appendages detached in the course of the Attack.
    2. (b)Secondary effects include, but are not limited to:
      1. (i)fire;
      2. (ii)tidal waves, including waves described by the Insured as "a regular size wave, but angry";
      3. (iii)collapsing bridges;
      4. (iv)fleeing crowds;
      5. (v)military response; and
      6. (vi)a second kaiju.
    3. (c)Where Direct Damage and a secondary effect cannot be distinguished, all damage shall be deemed secondary. Where they can be distinguished, the Company shall distinguish them.

  5. 5. Origin of the Kaiju

    Claims are void if the Kaiju is later revealed to be the result of a military experiment, an ancient curse, or a misunderstanding.

    1. (a)"Later" means at any time, including after the Benefit has been paid, in which case the Benefit shall be recovered from the Insured with interest.
    2. (b)A kaiju of wholly natural origin shall be deemed an Act of God and is excluded under Section 17. A kaiju of wholly unnatural origin is excluded under this Section 5. A kaiju of mixed origin is excluded under both, for efficiency.

  6. 6. Mandatory Headwear

    The Insured must have been wearing a Hat (see Definition D5) at the time of the Attack.

    1. (a)The Hat must have been worn for the entirety of the Attack. Hats removed in respect, awe, or terror constitute a lapse.
    2. (b)The Hat must not be the Insured Property, unless no Insured Property is described (see Definition D6), in which case it must be both.

  7. 7. Time of Attack

    The Attack must occur on a Tuesday (see Definition D3), between 2:14 PM and 4:38 PM local time, during a month containing the letter "R".

    1. (a)Months containing the letter "R" are January, February, March, April, September, October, November, and December. The Company is aware that this list is also accurate for months not containing the letter "R"; the list is nonetheless final.
    2. (b)Local time is the time shown on the Company's wall clock, which runs eleven (11) minutes slow, and has done so since inception.

  8. 8. Filing of Claims

    The Insured must file a claim in person, at the Company's headquarters, which is located inside the Affected Zone (see Definition D7).

    1. (a)Claims filed by telephone, post, courier, carrier pigeon, or an associate who "was there too" will not be accepted.
    2. (b)The Company's headquarters is open Thursdays, 9:00 AM to 9:20 AM, except where Thursday is a Tuesday (see Section 7).

  9. 9. Maximum Benefit

    Maximum Benefit: $20.00 (refunded), less a $20.00 processing fee.

    1. (a)For the avoidance of doubt, the Net Benefit payable is zero dollars ($0.00).
    2. (b)The Net Benefit shall be paid by cheque drawn on a bank located inside the Affected Zone (see Section 8).

  10. 10. Provocation

    The Attack must be unprovoked. Provocation includes, without limitation: sustained eye contact; loud footwear; the operation of a leaf blower within 3 kilometers of the shoreline; and the Insured's having said, in the preceding ninety (90) days, any variant of "that'll never happen," including "that'll never happen to me" and "ha."

  11. 11. Audible Roar

    The Kaiju must announce itself with a roar of not less than one hundred twenty (120) decibels, as measured by a calibrated meter held by one of the notaries described in Section 3.

    1. (a)Because each such notary stands not less than 400 meters from the Insured Property (see Section 3(b)), the reading shall be adjusted upward by the Company, in a manner the Company declines to disclose.
    2. (b)A roar that is "more of a groan" is not a roar.

  12. 12. Continuous Good Standing

    The Insured must not hold, or have held, any other policy of kaiju insurance, or any policy of insurance underwritten by a firm with a gecko, a duck, or a mascot of any kind.

  13. 13. Identification of Insured Property

    The Insured Property must be unambiguously identified on the Certificate.

    1. (a)A description such as "my condo" is deemed ambiguous if the Insured owns more than one condo, has ever been to a different condo, or has a friend with a condo.
    2. (b)A property described as "my house" shall be deemed to be a different house.

  14. 14. Single Occurrence

    Only one (1) Attack shall be covered. A second Attack on the same Insured Property constitutes a Pattern, and a Pattern constitutes a pre-existing condition (see Section 15).

  15. 15. Pre-Existing Kaiju

    Coverage does not extend to any kaiju previously depicted in a motion picture, television program, video game, album cover, or sketch made by a child of any age, such kaiju being a known and therefore pre-existing risk. For the avoidance of doubt, a Kaiju must resemble a kaiju depicted in a motion picture (see Definition D1), and must not be one.

    1. (a)Where a Kaiju resembles a depicted kaiju to a degree the Company finds "uncomfortable," the Kaiju shall be deemed depicted.

  16. 16. Atmospheric Conditions

    At the time of the Attack, cloud cover must be not less than three (3) oktas and not more than four (4) oktas, such cover being "partly cloudy" within the meaning of the Company's weather schedule, a copy of which is available on request, on Thursdays, at the headquarters.

  17. 17. Acts of God; Natural and Unnatural Disasters

    The Company shall determine, in its sole discretion, whether the Attack is an Act of God (excluded), a Natural Disaster (excluded), or an Unnatural Disaster (see Section 5). The Company's determination shall be final, and shall be made after the Insured has left the headquarters.

  18. 18. Time Limit to File

    A claim must be filed within eleven (11) minutes of the conclusion of the Attack (see Definition D2), and not before it.

    1. (a)The Insured must reach the headquarters (see Section 8) within the foregoing period, notwithstanding that the Affected Zone shall by then contain a Kaiju.

  19. 19. Documentation

    Claims must be supported by three (3) forms, in quadruplicate, signed in blue ink that is not the blue of any known sky, together with photographs of the Attack taken on film, from the Kaiju's good side, as determined by the Company.

  20. 20. Subrogation

    Upon payment of any Benefit, the Company shall be subrogated to the Insured's rights against the Kaiju. The Insured shall provide the Kaiju's current mailing address, and shall not, in the interim, make any statement or gesture that might prejudice the Company's position, including waving.

  21. 21. Other Recoveries

    The Benefit shall be reduced by any amount the Insured receives from any source on account of the Attack, including insurance, government relief, charitable donation, sympathy cards that contain money, and an apology.

  22. 22. Dispute Resolution

    Any dispute shall be submitted to binding arbitration before a panel of three (3) Class 4 Kaiju (see Section 1), convened in the Affected Zone (see Section 8). Should no such panel be available, the Chief Actuarial Officer shall act as sole arbitrator, and shall be deemed to have been agreed upon by the parties, who need not be consulted.

  23. 23. Premium

    The one-time premium of twenty dollars ($20.00) is fully earned upon payment, is non-refundable, and is not the "refund" described in Section 9, which is a different twenty dollars.

  24. 24. Amendment and Notice

    The Company may amend this Schedule of Conditions at any time, including during an Attack. Notice of amendment is deemed given when printed in a periodical of the Company's choosing with a circulation of not more than fourteen (14).

  25. 25. Severability and Entire Agreement

    If any Section is held unenforceable, it shall be replaced by a Section that is more restrictive. This Schedule, the Definitions, and the Certificate constitute the entire agreement. Any understanding to the contrary was a misunderstanding (see Section 5).

Maximum Benefit: $20.00 (refunded), less a $20.00 processing fee. Net Benefit: $0.00.