Kaiju Attack Protection · Since 2026
Because they’re coming. Eventually.
The Certificate of Insurance for the Peril of Kaiju Attack. Prudent. Affordable. Subject to conditions.
- Established 2026
- Actuarially Reviewed
- Notarially Witnessed*
- A+ Self-Rating
The Actuarial Case
The statistics are not subtle.
Over the past seven decades, hundreds of motion pictures have depicted a kaiju attack. In that same period, the number of confirmed real-world kaiju attacks is zero.
Our actuaries note that an event with a depicted frequency this high and an observed frequency this low is, by every reasonable model, overdue. The Company has priced this risk accordingly: twenty dollars.
Exhibit A: Kaiju Motion Pictures Released vs. Confirmed Attacks
Cumulative, 1954 – 2026
Source: Office of the Chief Actuarial Officer. Figures are rounded to the nearest actuarial convenience.
A simple process
- I
Purchase
Provide your name, an optional Insured Property, and an email address. The premium is waived during Open Enrollment.
- II
Receive
A handsome Certificate of Insurance, with seal, is delivered to you by PDF immediately.
- III
Review
Read the Schedule of Conditions. It is twenty-five (25) conditions. We encourage a second reading.
Policyholders have a lot to say
“I have not been attacked by a kaiju, and I credit my Certificate entirely.”
“My agent explained the Schedule of Conditions in full. It took four hours. I would do it again, wearing the hat.”
“As a notary, I have never been so aware of where I am standing.”
“We purchased Certificates for the whole office. Morale is unchanged, but the paperwork is beautiful.”
*Testimonials are from fictional customers. As is the entire company. See footer.
Apply for Coverage
Secure your Certificate today.
- • Premium of $20.00 waived during Open Enrollment
- • Instant, downloadable PDF Certificate
- • Policy number, seal, and signature included
- • Schedule of Conditions included (please read)
Frequently asked questions
Has a kaiju ever attacked?+
No. This is the foundation of our actuarial model. A risk that has never materialized is, by the law of large numbers, accumulating.
Why $20?+
The premium reflects our commitment to affordability and our confidence in the Schedule of Conditions. During Open Enrollment the premium is waived; Open Enrollment may be withdrawn at any time (Section 24).
What does the Certificate cover?+
The Certificate covers the Peril of Kaiju Attack, subject to the twenty-five (25) conditions in the Schedule. Please review the Schedule. We recommend printing it.
How much will I be paid?+
The Maximum Benefit is $20.00 (refunded), less a $20.00 processing fee. Our Net Benefit calculator is available at headquarters.
Where is your headquarters?+
Inside the Affected Zone. Our location is selected for its proximity to the risk.
Can I cancel?+
Premiums are fully earned upon payment (Section 23). Cancellation of the Peril is not available.
Is this real insurance?+
No. CollateralizedKaiju.com is a work of satire. Certificates are novelty items, not insurance, and carry no coverage or financial guarantee.